How the Internet May Help Us

Gosh, it's been a long time since I posted anything. Lots of drama has ensued over the past few weeks and I just refused to make another negative blog post! So, I decided to wait until I could see bluer skies.
All photos except for the ones in my camera have been lost due to an unfortunate spill on Christmas Eve. So, no pictures.
However, on a positive note: lately the Princess and I have started to get along much better (save for the big blowout yesterday because I voiced my opposition to getting one of Princess' friends a Victoria's Secret gift card for Christmas).
The helpful hint for us has been FaceBook.
Princess joined a few months ago, and like all teenagers and college students, immediately had hundreds of "friends". I've seen other children's pages on My Space and the thought of Princess being "out there", untethered, scared me. A friend of mine is a graduate of/volunteer recruiter for Harvard, and he told me what a mistake these prospective students make when they have provocative picture or email addresses nowadays, due to the college admissions board's standard of Googling its applicants. Teenagers just don't realize how far-reaching their behavior can be.
Anyway, I felt that, if Princess joined FB, then I really didn't have a choice and had to join also. She was required to accept me as a "friend", too. Well, now we have been spending time chatting while she's upstairs and I'm downstairs. It's impossible for us to get in a fight while popping on to chat. Conversations are much more light-hearted and jovial. She jokes with me and calls me "Einstein" and I call her "Sherlock" when we don't have a clue about what the other is talking. This may not be a cure-all for all of our relational ills, but right now, the FaceBook Project seems to be filling in some of the holes that we've both dug over the past few years.
The thing about raising girls is that this process takes YEARS, not months, and sometimes, it is so discouraging.
Oh, the prom-like ball that is happening on Valentine's Day is an event that David and I won't be home for, as we're going to CHARLESTON that day to help me forget about my impending 40th birthday which will occur during the time we're gone. That means my precious baby's first big dance will be supervised by someone else, and I won't even be in town. Talk about major guilt.

I don't have a picture to prove it, but...

Actually today was a good day! David has been home for a week, which has made such a difference in the load I feel I carry, which probably has something to with it.
David has told me for a long time that I get way more invested in the issues of the day than I need to, and I think I'm starting to figure out how not to BEFORE I do it and then look back in hindsight. I do realize how much I rely on David.
Austen did remind me today that her cell phone is upgradable in April (hint, hint), and that "I've been good today". Today?? Anyway, it's a start and we all have areas we can work on.

REALIZATION hits you like a ton of bricks

It's been pretty rough the past two weeks and it's been very difficult to blog because I feel as though I'd be living through all the crapola all over again.

When David arrived home for (yea!) 3 weeks last Friday, I don't think I'd ever been happier to see him since he started this crazy travel schedule 3 years ago. I feel bad, though, as I shouldn't have to have my husband's physical presence in the house just to keep my children from treating me ugly! Sam, my 13 year old has started to go through his own growing up stages, but that's for another place.

Since last Friday, though, I've had an eye witness to some of the struggles and it's been very helpful. In the past, I've felt as though my issues with Austen have been as elusive as Snuffle-upagus used to be on Sesame Street. Whenever David would come home and I would discuss issues with him, I felt as though David was thinking, "Uh, O.K. If you say she's being disrespectful, I believe you...wink, wink." Now, he's gotten a glimpse into my life and it's clear to him the way things have been lately. The bottom line is that David's travel has to stop. It's unhealthy and it's gotten to be a bit destructive to our famiy fiber, but I am hoping and praying that this situation will be remedied somehow, and soon.

I would love to be able to see positive, happy signs and I continue to be greatly encouraged by others and their sweet families.

I was thinking the other day how there is not a single example of good parenting in either one of our families (David's or mine) from our parents' generation forward. Anything good happened before that, like with my grandparents. That is a very sad realization, but it's true with no exceptions. I wonder, if I hadn't been a clueless 24 year old dingbat when I got knocked-up with my daughter (not really, I was married, just not ready, turns out), maybe I would've thought more about the implications of having a child with the history D and I both carried into parenting.

What started me down this thought road was viewing a photograph of my incarcerated cousin. I hadn't seen these photos before, and I found them on the DOC website late the other night. I was so upset. This particular person has always been so nice and kind and friendly, and I've never heard an unkind word come out of his mouth. He is not "in" for anything violent, but bad decisions finally caught up with him. I guess seeing him really shook me and made me start thinking about the whole of our families. In this person's case, I can't help but think, "parenting, parenting, parenting." Of course, he's an adult NOW, and it's all too easy for parents to wash hands of all responsibility instead of tracing back to the multitude of times different choices could've been made from their end that could have avoided this outcome.

I don't know if I've ever felt this doomed.

Horrible Morning

I have to get a child to preschool and get to the gym to work off some hostility, but this morning has been sraight out of a horror film. We have had make-up issues for a while now. This makes it partly our fault as parents because the rule was, IF YOU WEAR TOO MUCH, WE TAKE IT AWAY. Well, suffice it to say that we caved, and warned her repeatedly. She's gone long (about 2 weeks) stretches without wearing make-up due to being grounded, but she still has trouble regulating what she wears. Well, this morning she looked like what a called a Vegas Showgirl, and one thing lead to another, and I was yelling and I even called her father, who would normally be here with us, but who is with Sam in PA for the Army/Navy game. He is an hour later than us and I still woke him up! I got so angry with her that I didn't know what to do. I am lost. She yelled and cried, I yelled and yelled some more. It was just awful. It's been proven that taking it away doesn't help. And I thought having only one teenager for the weekend would make life EASIER! Silly me!

High School in the 21st century

Before we ever placed our children in the school where they currently are, we knew the ground game. We knew the policies and what was expected from a moral/values (though I HATE the way that word is used to divide people) perspective. We were told that the school had implemented a random, computer-generated drug/alcohol screening that each month would pick students to screen for d/a use.

At the beginning of the week, the high school principal called me. As soon as I heard his voice, I just knew he was going to tell me that my daughter had been caught kissing Adam in the hall between class. I just KNEW! Well, what he actually said was that Austen's name had been selected by the computer to be tested for d/a, and I was being notified. Was I o.k. with it?

Well, first of all, how could I not be o.k. with it, as I had signed on with my eyes open. Secondly, though, when it's MY child, and not just a theoretical child, it made me nervous! Has my child given me reason to believe she's a user of anything? No. With Austen's participation in cheer, I fully expect and even hope that she'll be called out for drug testing. HOWEVER, what I realized in those first few moments is that since she and I do NOT have great communication right now, I can be assured of NOTHING.

One thing I've learned in my 39 years on this earth is to never be surprised. I do not vouch for anyone regarding opinions or activities, because I never truly know. None of us do. Some of the perfect marriages fall apart. I've heard on many occasions the wife half of a couple say, "well, we think ...." Problem is, I've heard the husband half of the couple say something entirely different. It's as though some women feel their opinions have no value unless backed up by a man.

Anyway, I've digressed. Back to the drug screen. So, of course, I told the principal that he could go ahead, but I realized that there were 2 reasons I hesitated. The first is that life is difficult enough right now, with the financial uncertainties, holidays, college looming in the near future, etc. The last thing I need on our familial plate is a child with a substance abuse issue. Test her, sure, but can't this wait until January? What's a few weeks? The second reason is that I didn't want to be embarrassed. I know that's selfish. But the truth is, though our daughter has very little downtime between school and cheer practice when she's not with family, she DID go out last weekend, and though we dropped her off and picked her up and we knew who was there, we can't be totally certain that she didn't do something she wasn't supposed to do.

Each day since the call, I've asked her if something happened or if anything unusual happened. She has said, "no" each day. I don't know when the test will be, but it's some time this week. I really don't know what I'd have to be embarrassed about. It's not like I've EVER said, "well, my child would never do that." The principal said that he had no reason to suspect anything, but over the course of 4 years, everyone's name will come up. Also, a friend pointed out that if the school was worried, they probably wouldn't have even given me a heads' up. Of course, I can't say anything to Austen, but I thought about it (see reasons, above).

should this make me feel better?

OK. I was at the gym this morning and I was not wearing my headphones. I could hear others around me talking. I cannot both read, and listen to music, so I had the headphones in my ears, but nothing was coming out of them. These two women were on the floor next to me doing Yoga exercises and talking to each other. One mom (they are both moms, which is where this is going) was talking about how hard the mornings are at her house. She yells at her children every single morning, and it's the same, rough couple of hours every day, and I could tell that just thinking about it raised her blood pressure as if she were back in the situation at that moment. I felt like getting off the equipment and saying, "Oh, girl, can we talk?"
It's very nice to hear that other women, probably all across America, if we're honest (which an alarming number of women are NOT), the same scenario is being played out: children, old enough to know, are being told the same things every day, as though they've never been told before...eat your breakfast, pick up your laundry, empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, hang up the towel, turn off that light, clean off the table, get your shoes... It's nauseating just to read this.
In an odd way it was comforting to hear that other women have the exact struggles that I do.
I think, for me, the point where all this life-living becomes difficult, is when I realize that so much of our lives as SAHMs is lived in solitary. We aren't in offices or classes, around others. We don't go to the grocery store with friends, pick up the dry cleaning with any company, or do any other chores of life together with people. What we do with others is scheduled, which means not that often. When I lived in S. Korea, a group of women got together EVERY morning for coffee. We were all young newlyweds without children. We would all pop in and out of working while we were there, so most of the time we managed to see each other. This was a constant event that we all looked forward to. Sometimes, coffee would be later, late enough, in fact that sometimes our coffee came with a little "surprise" added to it. The key, though, was that it happened, daily. Fast forward 16 years, and we all live in different states and everyone works, save for me.
I think it's the feeling isolated in addition to the grind that is starting to make me sad.
Oh, yes. this morning my daughter wanted me to call the school counselor to get her schedule changed for next semester. She doesn't want to continue one of her classes. She can either go to the counselor, herself, after school tomorrow, or I can call and take care of it. Which option do you think I chose? Come on, take a guess! Yes, that's right. David told A WEEKS AGO that if she wants to get out of this class, she has to be a big girl and get it switched herself. Of course, after David left last night, this morning she hits me up with the, "will you do this, it's so easy" request. On the scale of drama, this barely rates, but I told her that with the way she treats me and speaks to me, she really has some nerve asking me to do something for her that she can easily do for herself. My next post will be brighter.

I need infrastructure!

I decided that I would be better served with either a course in anger management, complete with shock treatment and heavy, psychotropic drugs, or infrastructure. By infrastructure, I mean STAFF! I seriously know a few women, moms, young women, not the over -65 crowd, who look great ALL the time, and never appear stressed. The reason, I believe, is that they all (the 3 or 4 I know) have mucho amounts of the I-word. We're talking nannies AND assistants AND full time house help AND trainers AND holiday/special occasion decorators (not a finger lifted to decorate/undecorate for the holidays). The kind of women who ALWAYS use valet parking and some of these women NEVER even fly commercial...no delays, no lost bags, no wripped bags with broken handles. OH! and nanny comes with. Now, I ask, who couldn't do with some of that? These women still spend great amounts of time with their children and are hands on parents. They also (so far as I know) have happy marriages and are not in the throes of some kind of substance abuse. I have to stop and remind myself that MOST of the women I know do not know, and will never know, this kind of lifestyle, and they seem happy enough, too. I just seem to notice the really fresh-faced (read: plastic doc on speed dial), luxury oriented women. I am still, as of this writing, under 40, and the few women I know of the above description are younger than I am. I am not a believer in previous lives, but I do wonder if I was of royal descent in another life and I was really awful, so here I am today, noticing more these women, while I have my crosses to bear with a, very often, absent husband. No one I know notices these women like I do. Maybe I'm being punished. I say all of this because the past few weeks have not been traumatic or newsworthy, but there's been a constant, barely audible, yet very present, sucking sound. I feel like I'm being slowly, cruelly drained. I told my husband that his travel schedule just has to stop, yet in this economy....I'm not STUPID. Any changes will have to wait. The minute he left for the airport, the fighting began, the antagonizing, the bullying. So, I'm feeling desperate yet again, with nothing concrete to point to as the cause. Another week of school for the children. What I need most is a new attitude.