It's been pretty rough the past two weeks and it's been very difficult to blog because I feel as though I'd be living through all the crapola all over again.
When David arrived home for (yea!) 3 weeks last Friday, I don't think I'd ever been happier to see him since he started this crazy travel schedule 3 years ago. I feel bad, though, as I shouldn't have to have my husband's physical presence in the house just to keep my children from treating me ugly! Sam, my 13 year old has started to go through his own growing up stages, but that's for another place.
Since last Friday, though, I've had an eye witness to some of the struggles and it's been very helpful. In the past, I've felt as though my issues with Austen have been as elusive as Snuffle-upagus used to be on Sesame Street. Whenever David would come home and I would discuss issues with him, I felt as though David was thinking, "Uh, O.K. If you say she's being disrespectful, I believe you...wink, wink." Now, he's gotten a glimpse into my life and it's clear to him the way things have been lately. The bottom line is that David's travel has to stop. It's unhealthy and it's gotten to be a bit destructive to our famiy fiber, but I am hoping and praying that this situation will be remedied somehow, and soon.
I would love to be able to see positive, happy signs and I continue to be greatly encouraged by others and their sweet families.
I was thinking the other day how there is not a single example of good parenting in either one of our families (David's or mine) from our parents' generation forward. Anything good happened before that, like with my grandparents. That is a very sad realization, but it's true with no exceptions. I wonder, if I hadn't been a clueless 24 year old dingbat when I got knocked-up with my daughter (not really, I was married, just not ready, turns out), maybe I would've thought more about the implications of having a child with the history D and I both carried into parenting.
What started me down this thought road was viewing a photograph of my incarcerated cousin. I hadn't seen these photos before, and I found them on the DOC website late the other night. I was so upset. This particular person has always been so nice and kind and friendly, and I've never heard an unkind word come out of his mouth. He is not "in" for anything violent, but bad decisions finally caught up with him. I guess seeing him really shook me and made me start thinking about the whole of our families. In this person's case, I can't help but think, "parenting, parenting, parenting." Of course, he's an adult NOW, and it's all too easy for parents to wash hands of all responsibility instead of tracing back to the multitude of times different choices could've been made from their end that could have avoided this outcome.
I don't know if I've ever felt this doomed.
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