How the Internet May Help Us

Gosh, it's been a long time since I posted anything. Lots of drama has ensued over the past few weeks and I just refused to make another negative blog post! So, I decided to wait until I could see bluer skies.
All photos except for the ones in my camera have been lost due to an unfortunate spill on Christmas Eve. So, no pictures.
However, on a positive note: lately the Princess and I have started to get along much better (save for the big blowout yesterday because I voiced my opposition to getting one of Princess' friends a Victoria's Secret gift card for Christmas).
The helpful hint for us has been FaceBook.
Princess joined a few months ago, and like all teenagers and college students, immediately had hundreds of "friends". I've seen other children's pages on My Space and the thought of Princess being "out there", untethered, scared me. A friend of mine is a graduate of/volunteer recruiter for Harvard, and he told me what a mistake these prospective students make when they have provocative picture or email addresses nowadays, due to the college admissions board's standard of Googling its applicants. Teenagers just don't realize how far-reaching their behavior can be.
Anyway, I felt that, if Princess joined FB, then I really didn't have a choice and had to join also. She was required to accept me as a "friend", too. Well, now we have been spending time chatting while she's upstairs and I'm downstairs. It's impossible for us to get in a fight while popping on to chat. Conversations are much more light-hearted and jovial. She jokes with me and calls me "Einstein" and I call her "Sherlock" when we don't have a clue about what the other is talking. This may not be a cure-all for all of our relational ills, but right now, the FaceBook Project seems to be filling in some of the holes that we've both dug over the past few years.
The thing about raising girls is that this process takes YEARS, not months, and sometimes, it is so discouraging.
Oh, the prom-like ball that is happening on Valentine's Day is an event that David and I won't be home for, as we're going to CHARLESTON that day to help me forget about my impending 40th birthday which will occur during the time we're gone. That means my precious baby's first big dance will be supervised by someone else, and I won't even be in town. Talk about major guilt.

I don't have a picture to prove it, but...

Actually today was a good day! David has been home for a week, which has made such a difference in the load I feel I carry, which probably has something to with it.
David has told me for a long time that I get way more invested in the issues of the day than I need to, and I think I'm starting to figure out how not to BEFORE I do it and then look back in hindsight. I do realize how much I rely on David.
Austen did remind me today that her cell phone is upgradable in April (hint, hint), and that "I've been good today". Today?? Anyway, it's a start and we all have areas we can work on.

REALIZATION hits you like a ton of bricks

It's been pretty rough the past two weeks and it's been very difficult to blog because I feel as though I'd be living through all the crapola all over again.

When David arrived home for (yea!) 3 weeks last Friday, I don't think I'd ever been happier to see him since he started this crazy travel schedule 3 years ago. I feel bad, though, as I shouldn't have to have my husband's physical presence in the house just to keep my children from treating me ugly! Sam, my 13 year old has started to go through his own growing up stages, but that's for another place.

Since last Friday, though, I've had an eye witness to some of the struggles and it's been very helpful. In the past, I've felt as though my issues with Austen have been as elusive as Snuffle-upagus used to be on Sesame Street. Whenever David would come home and I would discuss issues with him, I felt as though David was thinking, "Uh, O.K. If you say she's being disrespectful, I believe you...wink, wink." Now, he's gotten a glimpse into my life and it's clear to him the way things have been lately. The bottom line is that David's travel has to stop. It's unhealthy and it's gotten to be a bit destructive to our famiy fiber, but I am hoping and praying that this situation will be remedied somehow, and soon.

I would love to be able to see positive, happy signs and I continue to be greatly encouraged by others and their sweet families.

I was thinking the other day how there is not a single example of good parenting in either one of our families (David's or mine) from our parents' generation forward. Anything good happened before that, like with my grandparents. That is a very sad realization, but it's true with no exceptions. I wonder, if I hadn't been a clueless 24 year old dingbat when I got knocked-up with my daughter (not really, I was married, just not ready, turns out), maybe I would've thought more about the implications of having a child with the history D and I both carried into parenting.

What started me down this thought road was viewing a photograph of my incarcerated cousin. I hadn't seen these photos before, and I found them on the DOC website late the other night. I was so upset. This particular person has always been so nice and kind and friendly, and I've never heard an unkind word come out of his mouth. He is not "in" for anything violent, but bad decisions finally caught up with him. I guess seeing him really shook me and made me start thinking about the whole of our families. In this person's case, I can't help but think, "parenting, parenting, parenting." Of course, he's an adult NOW, and it's all too easy for parents to wash hands of all responsibility instead of tracing back to the multitude of times different choices could've been made from their end that could have avoided this outcome.

I don't know if I've ever felt this doomed.

Horrible Morning

I have to get a child to preschool and get to the gym to work off some hostility, but this morning has been sraight out of a horror film. We have had make-up issues for a while now. This makes it partly our fault as parents because the rule was, IF YOU WEAR TOO MUCH, WE TAKE IT AWAY. Well, suffice it to say that we caved, and warned her repeatedly. She's gone long (about 2 weeks) stretches without wearing make-up due to being grounded, but she still has trouble regulating what she wears. Well, this morning she looked like what a called a Vegas Showgirl, and one thing lead to another, and I was yelling and I even called her father, who would normally be here with us, but who is with Sam in PA for the Army/Navy game. He is an hour later than us and I still woke him up! I got so angry with her that I didn't know what to do. I am lost. She yelled and cried, I yelled and yelled some more. It was just awful. It's been proven that taking it away doesn't help. And I thought having only one teenager for the weekend would make life EASIER! Silly me!

High School in the 21st century

Before we ever placed our children in the school where they currently are, we knew the ground game. We knew the policies and what was expected from a moral/values (though I HATE the way that word is used to divide people) perspective. We were told that the school had implemented a random, computer-generated drug/alcohol screening that each month would pick students to screen for d/a use.

At the beginning of the week, the high school principal called me. As soon as I heard his voice, I just knew he was going to tell me that my daughter had been caught kissing Adam in the hall between class. I just KNEW! Well, what he actually said was that Austen's name had been selected by the computer to be tested for d/a, and I was being notified. Was I o.k. with it?

Well, first of all, how could I not be o.k. with it, as I had signed on with my eyes open. Secondly, though, when it's MY child, and not just a theoretical child, it made me nervous! Has my child given me reason to believe she's a user of anything? No. With Austen's participation in cheer, I fully expect and even hope that she'll be called out for drug testing. HOWEVER, what I realized in those first few moments is that since she and I do NOT have great communication right now, I can be assured of NOTHING.

One thing I've learned in my 39 years on this earth is to never be surprised. I do not vouch for anyone regarding opinions or activities, because I never truly know. None of us do. Some of the perfect marriages fall apart. I've heard on many occasions the wife half of a couple say, "well, we think ...." Problem is, I've heard the husband half of the couple say something entirely different. It's as though some women feel their opinions have no value unless backed up by a man.

Anyway, I've digressed. Back to the drug screen. So, of course, I told the principal that he could go ahead, but I realized that there were 2 reasons I hesitated. The first is that life is difficult enough right now, with the financial uncertainties, holidays, college looming in the near future, etc. The last thing I need on our familial plate is a child with a substance abuse issue. Test her, sure, but can't this wait until January? What's a few weeks? The second reason is that I didn't want to be embarrassed. I know that's selfish. But the truth is, though our daughter has very little downtime between school and cheer practice when she's not with family, she DID go out last weekend, and though we dropped her off and picked her up and we knew who was there, we can't be totally certain that she didn't do something she wasn't supposed to do.

Each day since the call, I've asked her if something happened or if anything unusual happened. She has said, "no" each day. I don't know when the test will be, but it's some time this week. I really don't know what I'd have to be embarrassed about. It's not like I've EVER said, "well, my child would never do that." The principal said that he had no reason to suspect anything, but over the course of 4 years, everyone's name will come up. Also, a friend pointed out that if the school was worried, they probably wouldn't have even given me a heads' up. Of course, I can't say anything to Austen, but I thought about it (see reasons, above).

should this make me feel better?

OK. I was at the gym this morning and I was not wearing my headphones. I could hear others around me talking. I cannot both read, and listen to music, so I had the headphones in my ears, but nothing was coming out of them. These two women were on the floor next to me doing Yoga exercises and talking to each other. One mom (they are both moms, which is where this is going) was talking about how hard the mornings are at her house. She yells at her children every single morning, and it's the same, rough couple of hours every day, and I could tell that just thinking about it raised her blood pressure as if she were back in the situation at that moment. I felt like getting off the equipment and saying, "Oh, girl, can we talk?"
It's very nice to hear that other women, probably all across America, if we're honest (which an alarming number of women are NOT), the same scenario is being played out: children, old enough to know, are being told the same things every day, as though they've never been told before...eat your breakfast, pick up your laundry, empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, hang up the towel, turn off that light, clean off the table, get your shoes... It's nauseating just to read this.
In an odd way it was comforting to hear that other women have the exact struggles that I do.
I think, for me, the point where all this life-living becomes difficult, is when I realize that so much of our lives as SAHMs is lived in solitary. We aren't in offices or classes, around others. We don't go to the grocery store with friends, pick up the dry cleaning with any company, or do any other chores of life together with people. What we do with others is scheduled, which means not that often. When I lived in S. Korea, a group of women got together EVERY morning for coffee. We were all young newlyweds without children. We would all pop in and out of working while we were there, so most of the time we managed to see each other. This was a constant event that we all looked forward to. Sometimes, coffee would be later, late enough, in fact that sometimes our coffee came with a little "surprise" added to it. The key, though, was that it happened, daily. Fast forward 16 years, and we all live in different states and everyone works, save for me.
I think it's the feeling isolated in addition to the grind that is starting to make me sad.
Oh, yes. this morning my daughter wanted me to call the school counselor to get her schedule changed for next semester. She doesn't want to continue one of her classes. She can either go to the counselor, herself, after school tomorrow, or I can call and take care of it. Which option do you think I chose? Come on, take a guess! Yes, that's right. David told A WEEKS AGO that if she wants to get out of this class, she has to be a big girl and get it switched herself. Of course, after David left last night, this morning she hits me up with the, "will you do this, it's so easy" request. On the scale of drama, this barely rates, but I told her that with the way she treats me and speaks to me, she really has some nerve asking me to do something for her that she can easily do for herself. My next post will be brighter.

I need infrastructure!

I decided that I would be better served with either a course in anger management, complete with shock treatment and heavy, psychotropic drugs, or infrastructure. By infrastructure, I mean STAFF! I seriously know a few women, moms, young women, not the over -65 crowd, who look great ALL the time, and never appear stressed. The reason, I believe, is that they all (the 3 or 4 I know) have mucho amounts of the I-word. We're talking nannies AND assistants AND full time house help AND trainers AND holiday/special occasion decorators (not a finger lifted to decorate/undecorate for the holidays). The kind of women who ALWAYS use valet parking and some of these women NEVER even fly commercial...no delays, no lost bags, no wripped bags with broken handles. OH! and nanny comes with. Now, I ask, who couldn't do with some of that? These women still spend great amounts of time with their children and are hands on parents. They also (so far as I know) have happy marriages and are not in the throes of some kind of substance abuse. I have to stop and remind myself that MOST of the women I know do not know, and will never know, this kind of lifestyle, and they seem happy enough, too. I just seem to notice the really fresh-faced (read: plastic doc on speed dial), luxury oriented women. I am still, as of this writing, under 40, and the few women I know of the above description are younger than I am. I am not a believer in previous lives, but I do wonder if I was of royal descent in another life and I was really awful, so here I am today, noticing more these women, while I have my crosses to bear with a, very often, absent husband. No one I know notices these women like I do. Maybe I'm being punished. I say all of this because the past few weeks have not been traumatic or newsworthy, but there's been a constant, barely audible, yet very present, sucking sound. I feel like I'm being slowly, cruelly drained. I told my husband that his travel schedule just has to stop, yet in this economy....I'm not STUPID. Any changes will have to wait. The minute he left for the airport, the fighting began, the antagonizing, the bullying. So, I'm feeling desperate yet again, with nothing concrete to point to as the cause. Another week of school for the children. What I need most is a new attitude.

The blood is everywhere in here.

I'm going to blog but I don't feel like it. I've been trying to wait until I can "say something nice or say nothing at all", but that may take me a while. There's been a raging Battle Royale at our house for the past three days. I really don't know how to pick my battles. I don't know what to let slide and what to shake 'til it's dead. I also tend to be a bully. When Austen does something, or several somethings that are way out of line, then I start looking for things on which to nail her. One of the rules in our house that's been, admittedly, loosely applied, is that I really do not want the children in our room without permission. As a child, Austen was a snoop (I think that's the nature of girls, so this is not a criticisn), and now that the children are older, I want them to have permission because Jack is only 4, and I don't want him in our room because he's been known to carry things off. I can honestly say that the snooping won't net our daughter anything (there are no "naughty toys" or adult films hidden away...my husband may be embarrassed that I admitted that we don't have anthing, but he never looks on here!). The worst thing that ever happened to her as a result of snooping is that once she came to us crying hysterically because, while snooping, she'd found her baby teeth in a prescription bottle in my nightstand and she was terrified the tooth fairy wasn't real. David thought quickly on his feet and told her that the t.f. was too small to carry the teeth, so after she laid the $$ under the pillow, we would come in and gather the teeth to keep. That seemed to work...but I digress. I do not want her to snoop because I just don't want her in my stuff, plain and simple.
Last night, I came home from Jack's little church group clear across town. Though there had been unauthorized t.v. watching in my room, AND unauthorized use of my computer (I know because Austen had left the mouse plugged in), she had not finished the fundraising flyers that she was doing as one of her community service projects for service hours toward graduation. Showers had just been taken, and there was wet hair needing to be dried. Generally speaking, chores that have been discussed ad nauseum (like wringing out washcloths to dry properly after a shower), in addition to the things already mentioned really got me fired up. As I was discussing this with my dd, she very subtly attempted to shut her bathroom door (by snaking her leg behind it to shut it), while I'm standing in the doorway. She added a flip, "I have to dry my hair now", under her breath barely audible. I was floored. I do not know how to stop the utter disrespect and lack of obedience coming from her. She actually, a bit later, attempted to shut me out AGAIN, and this time, her brother saw it happen and said, "Whoa!" This morning when she asked me if she could make herself a cup of hot tea, I told her no. I don't care, really, but it's just the idea that she'll still ask me for things even though she treats me ugly.
Another rule I have is I do NOT WANT TO SEE PHONES IN MY CAR UNLESS THEY'RE MINE! I know the phones exist, I just don't want to see them or hear the incessant flipping closed sound. I feel this way because the car is one place where we can talk about whatever...the day, a test, teenagers kissing in the hallway at school, you name it. I think it's very disrespectful to be half listening and half trying to txt a friend and hoping I don't notice. So, the rule is just wait until we get home to text/call friends. Both the older ones break this rule DAILY, and the phones are in my purse before we get home. I said that not responding immediately to a text makes them look busy and active. Besides, they neither one respond to me with that kind of gusto! I've seen teenagers (one in particular) just speak attrociously to her mother who is a very educated, with it woman, who wouldn't ordinarily put up with much mouth. For some reason though, this child got away with it. She's now about to graduate college and is, for the most part, lovely. This mother chose her battles, evidently, correctly. I could easily see, though, how this situation could have gone wildly wrong. To me, that was a situation that should've been nipped, even if the child turned out great in the end. This is the kind of thing that I just don't know how to handle. I only wish I'd had the childgood of example to see how to choose properly. I feel like I've been put into a surgery with no medical school training. Parenting is hard for everyone, but I think it's extra hard for those who grew up with no guidance or active parent in their lives. **The title of this post is partly because of the battles being fought under our rood, but also because my little one has had several nosebleeds today and he bleeds VERY quickly and it gets everywhere. I think it's because of the rather dramatic weather change from yesterday to today (nearly a 30 degree difference for a high temp) and that may have started off this bleeding.

When do YOU give and not get anything for it?

The above question was asked to me today by my daughter when it was suggested that she might try giving to others, even when there existed no possibility of a personal gain. Umm. O.K. Can any of you mothers BELIEVE this question was asked? Of course, the first thing I did was remind her that I could do A LOT with the $$ I pay for both her schooling and her cheerleading. Plus, I have 3 children, not just her. I proceeded to yell at her all the way home from school. I think the problem is, I really don't know how to pick my battles. This is probably a very common issue. The words used may be different, but I have no doubt that teenaged girls do not (nor should they) have a CLUE what parenting entails. It just bothers me when she voices her cluelessness.
I was FREEZING at the football game tonight, and I have no pride when it comes to staying warm. My husband was embarrassed (he told me this), with the way I looked, mismatched, wrapped up in an old blanket. The highlight, though, was one of the parents whose daughter is Austen's age gave me a ride home at half-time, and we had a nice, mother-centered conversation. I really need to feel that I'm not in this alone!

Philbrook Museum

Today after school, I took the children to the art museum. I think starting this blog has helped me make more of a concerted effort where my daughter is concerned. I've made a point to create blog entries every day, because in some way, this holds me accountable. I can't very easily log on everyday and just say that she and I fought all the way to school or I jumped on her for the fact that every other word out of her mouth is "like". I'm realizing that I do tend to pick fights or push her buttons. I test her. I look to see if she's mentally "giving me the finger". Today was very long, and the museum was just the beginning. I made Austen go back to the syrup aisle 3 times in the grocery store, because she hadn't listened to me tell her the brand I wanted her to get (the same one we've used for YEARS, go figure). She was very helpful with her little brother in the museum store, and she wasn't even rude when I insisted on turning the heat on in the car on the way to the airport. We spent a lot of time in the museum garden today, and I thought the picture of JAck and me was good (I love my new camera), so I added it, even though this isn't a "family" blog, per se.

One of the things Austen and I do to re-connect occasionally is go to Polo Grill for lunch. It's not the same when we go as a family, and it's not the same with just my 12 year old son. It's only fun when it's just her and me.

For the past 7 years, this has been the one place where we have never fought, where the only conversation is good conversation. The booths in this restaurant are high backed and against the wall. The piped in music is jazz (my favorite), and the wine list is fabu! I order a glass of champagne, which tickles my nose and mellows me out (maybe that's the secret to all this!!) , and we just "be". I mean, literally every conversation that's important in the life of a girl has taken place there.

When Austen was told where babies come from, it was there. When Austen wanted to know a not-much-discussed family secret, it was there. Mama gets a glass of liquid courage, and all the hard stuff gets a little easier in that calm, high-end environment. This picture was taken just last weekend, and Austen actually took it because this was her first time out of the house since her "nose job" and she still had the splint on her nose and black eyes. She did not want to be included this time (I try to document these events). This was the yucky camera, but it did o.k. this time.

Oh, the journey

Hello!

I've decided to start a blog about daughters because, though there's a ton of material out there about raising children and/or daughters, I want more than the therapist's view. I want something local, something real-time, that walks the average mom through these rough years. I want something that doesn't represent an agenda (raising future CEO's, sports enthusiasts, body builders, etc). I will never give out personal struggle information without my daughter's permission, because this isn't a "vent" for me at my daughter's expense. I honestly want to get the best information from the best sources, on an everyday basis. A clinician's view can be helpful, but as we all know, what sounds good on paper...
I honestly don't know how much to chalk up to hormones. I also have no experience with a healthy mother/daughter relationship, so how am I to know how to do any of this? That's what I think about the most (yes, as a wing-nut recently told me, fear is unbiblical, so I'm saying "think", not "fear"), having SOMETHING salvageable at the end of these years. Because of my own history, I can't automatically assume that at the end of this we'll be friends.